Wednesday, January 18, 2012

These are the dark times.


The noise in my head will not stop.
For 39 years this buzzing static has never ceased. I want it to end.
It just keeps getting louder each day.
I’ve tried everything to stop it. Meds, alcohol, exercise, drugs and every other suggestion doctors or friends have given me.
It will never go away.
I woke up this morning and decided to stop the noise once and for all.

I’ve been here before. I can’t count the times I’ve been here before, sitting and looking at a bottle of pills trying to figure out if I should take them or not. I know my kids are taken care of. Dawn and Rob are doing an awesome job of raising them. I’ve pretty much become a guy they visit every other weekend. When they are here they never come out of their room unless I drag them out. We used to have fun, but they aren’t any more.
The whole unemployment thing is really starting to get to me. I can’t find a job. I can’t expect people to take care of me, and I’m tired of feeling like a sponge. 
I woke up determined that this ends today.
I won’t do it. I can’t do it.
Something keeps telling me to hold on, that it will get better someday. The only problem is, I am tired of waiting for that day.
I don’t want a moment in the sun.
I just want clarity. I want the noise to stop and the darkness to disappear.
I’ll still be here tomorrow.
I won’t do anything to hurt myself.
I can’t give up. I will not give up.
But please make the noise stop and let the light shine through.

Cheers,
James.

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