Friday, January 20, 2012

Totally Random Man.


Whenever I would get sick, my mom would say god was punishing me

My dad and grandpa would take me fishing on boats out of San Pedro. They would get drunk. Once they got drunk and left for home while I was still on the boat. The crew gave me a hamburger and I waited with them till dad came and got me.

I went to the nurse’s office one time. She put the thermometer in my mouth. I bit the thermometer and broke it. My mouth was filled with mercury and broken glass. The nurse came back in and I spit it out. She asked if I swallowed any of it. I told her no and she sent me back to class.

My friend’s parents were always away. We would go to his house to play. We had a bunch of smoke bombs. We decided to light them in the house. The house filled up with blue smoke. We ran away and the fire department showed up. He got in trouble and told his mom and dad that me and our friend Bill did it.

I started school a year late. I don’t know why. I was always a year older then everybody. They thought I had flunked a grade.

I used to have to clean up the dog shit. The people behind us had a pool. They never invited us to swim so I would use the shovel and toss the dog shit over the fence into the pool.

I don’t know how to swim and I have no intention of doing so
.
My uncle taught me how to cast my fishing line. We were standing on the riverbank, I cast the line. The hook caught my dad in the shoulder. He was down the hill from us so I didn’t see him. I felt the hook catch. My uncle started yelling “Reel it in Verne! You caught a big one!” I started yelling “daddy! I caught a whale!” My dad backed up the bank yelling for me to stop.

A desert tortoise would show up at my backyard gate every morning. I would feed him dog food.

On my first date with a girl named Katie, I rear ended another car.

I took a girl to a hockey game one. In between periods I told her I liked her. She asked if I wanted some popcorn and left to get some.

I made a t-shirt that said I am not cool. Everyone told me it was cool. I told them no it’s not.

I used to make flyers for my fake band.

I fell down a small waterfall in Lytle creek.

I was so hungry that once I stole a can of spam.

I found a bunch of coyote skulls in the desert. I gave them to people for Christmas.

The first time I got drunk, I told Beth I love her and threw up on her feet.

In 4th, 5th and 6th grade I sat behind Shonna Hoback. Holy fuck, I loved her. She may be the only crush I really talked to. I would sit and stare at the back of her neck all day. To this day, whenever I remember how I felt whenever she turned and handed me a paper, smiled at me and said “Here you go Verne.” I melt every time.

While in 7th grade I kept a knife under my pillow incase the Nightstalker decided to attack my house. I would save my family.

Richard Robinson threw my lock to the PE locker in the toilet. Mr. Moonie told me to get it out. I told him to get it out himself. I got detention because I didn’t stick my hand in a toilet.

I went to a movie one night when I was 21 or 22. I can’t remember what we saw. There was some girl that sat next to me after the lights went down. I have no idea what she looked like or who she was. We both fumbled our arms on the shared armrest. I took her hand and held it. She squeezed my hand. We watched the movie with our thumbs caressing each other’s hand. She put her head on my shoulder. The movie ended, I got up said goodbye and walked away.

My mother had a part time job working in the kitchen for Rialto school district. I would get secretly offended when someone complained about the food.

My first car was a 1976 Vega that had a bumper sticker on it that said “I love my kids” I left it on.
I was bit by a black widow once.

Once in a mall, some counter girl said “Dude, you are fucking hot” I didn’t know what to do so I mumbled thank you and walked away.

I would steal books from the school library.

When I take the train to and from work, I put my headphones on and pretend to listen to music and listen to the people around me talk.

This girl I dated gave me crabs. We broke up after that.

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